A Drive with Simon Darby
Simon offered to take me to the station. He seemed very keen to drive me there, and even though I first insisted I was OK walking I figured a bit of time with the man who has self titled himself Press Officer Simon Darby (Press Officer), Press Officer to the British National Party would be both interesting and enlightening.
We walked over to his car, an older model, not quite sure what. It was clearly looked after, the car was immaculate both inside and outside, despite looking dated and a little chunky, you could tell it was his pride and joy. I asked if he had an interest in older cars, he told me no, but explained this car found its way to him, but he gave no further explanation. As I looked closer, I noticed the words Darby Mobile had been painted on the back, and on the wheels, and the bonnet, in fact at just a glance I saw the words Simon Darby in at least 15 different places on just this one side of the car. As I climbed in, he walked round it three times checking it over, he then patted it on the roof and said something in a deep voice before joining me in the "Darby Mobile".
"So what do you think of the Darby Mobile?" He asked. "She's one hell of a beast eh?" I didn't really know how to respond, the car despite being clean and tidy was dated, old fashioned inside, but not in a classic way, just in a mid 90's sort of way, it looked tacky also with red writing all over it and a big 'turbo' sticker across the wind shield. He got a check list out, which seemed unnecessary, quite a detailed check list, and wrote the time and date at the top, he then started the ignition and sat looking at the few dials a car like this has, writing things down every few minutes, this went on for about twenty minutes before he put the clip board down and announced "off we go".
We took off down the drive at a steady pace, he put on a cassette and turned the volume up so we couldn't hear each other speak, the first song was 'Shakira - Wherever, Whenever', and he sang along to every word as loud as he could, only pausing it once in a while at a climax in the chorus to shout "SIMON DARBY". When the song ended he rewound the tape and did the same again, I was beginning to worry about him as he wasn't paying any attention to driving, we were winding down country lanes and he drove through several junctions without even noticing they were there, he was completely in his own world and I saw at least three cars have to take evasive action to avoid an accident.When a car pipped him he looked up and shouted "Fuck you! You filthy immigrant! SIMON DARBY!".
When the song ended I noticed he was making engine noises as he drove, like a child with a toy car. He looked up, suddenly realising I was there, and said "shall we listen to the radio for a while, now we're all rocked out?" I nodded, how strange can listening to the radio be? At least there are sane people on the airwaves I thought, pretending not to notice he put another cassette tape in, "how's about radio 1? That's cool!" he shouted, and after come cassette noise, noise I haven't heard in a decade owing to them being obsolete, a radio 1 intro came through, but clearly already recorded on his cassette, as the date was from several weeks ago. We listened to 'No Regrets' by Dappy, which Simon seemed to be getting really into, singing along with his own lyrics.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't even recognise myself,
I got the heart of a Simon Darby
But looking back at me is someone else not as cool as me!
Again this went on for a while, he rewound the tape, or radio as he put it, claiming he had radio plus, and you could rewind live radio. He sang along again, twice more, the same lyrics each time, stopping only to shout Simon Darby once every few minutes. By this point I was beginning to realise the man was completely insane.
Then a news beat came on, it was news from weeks ago. But what could I do, at least he wasn't singing now and he seemed to be paying more attention to the road which was my main concern. He started grinning, and all of a sudden the news cut to what was clearly Simon talking, with some strange keyboard sound in the background.
And now for a Radio 1 political round-up. The Conservative party have once again let the country down by opening up the floodgates for thousands of immigrants and Jews to enter the country and take all our jobs. This has led to a huge surge in support for Britain's fastest growing political party, the British National Party, who have recruited over 6000 members each day for the last week since news of this immigration scandal broke. Our political analyst.. err..Simon.. Derby.. shire.. predicts the British National Party will have 400 MP's within the week, and will soon move into Downing Street taking over the UK and returning things to the good old ways. That's it for political news, now back to radio 1.
And it cut straight into the middle of some song, which is where he turned the player off and announced "well hows about that Mr. Reporter man, you have something else to write about now, the British National Party are on the up!". I looked at him, I really didn't know what to do, we also seemed to be driving up and down the same stretch of road. He carried on, the man really didn't know when to stop "I suppose it will be a busy night back at the headquarters now recruiting all those new members, still, we're used to it!". I wondered how many times he had tried this on other people and who would actually fall for it?
We drove a little further, Simon was talking about himself and what he plans to do with his evening. Pointing to a button he said "want some fun?". The button had 'SD Mode' written on it, it was one of the those fake push-start buttons you can buy from car spares, except this one was clearly placed to enable 'Simon Darby Mode'. He slowed the car down on a straight bit of road, pulled the car down a gear and then pressed it, as he did so he screamed "SIMON DARBY" and floored it, although it made little difference, the car made a lot of noise but didn't really feel like much was happening, he slowly gathered pace, going far too fast for the road and conditions, he overtook a family cycling and beeped as he went past shouting "HIPPIES! SIMON DARBY". He was very excited, with his head perched right over the steering wheel, he only took his eye off the dial to look where he was going once in a while, I was starting to fear for my life, "Look! We're doing 55 now! SIMON DARBY", he drove clean through a junction at which point I said I'd had enough. I told him to stop the car and let me out, at first he was quite angry, accusing me of being a red, a wimp and of not being able to handle the Darby Mobile, and then he started to look at bit sad, his eyes welled up. As I got out he looked at the seat where I had been sat as if he was still imagining me, or anybody being sat there while he sang and shouted his name.
"Can I have some money for fuel please?" He asked, this seemed cheeky, considering he offered the lift, and drove me around the countryside for forty minutes, not to mention actually dropping me off further from where I needed to be. Still it had been enlightening, I gave him a twenty and shut the door. He wound the window down, marvelling at the electric windows by telling me to 'watch', he looked up and asked "is she dirty?" I told him there was a bit of mud on the sides now, "ahh, I'll get Clive to come over and clean her then". He revved the engine a few times, shouted his name and drove off. I wondered if he would ever get home alive.
And that was the end of that, although he is mostly harmless, just a bit lonely, at times I had feared for my life and would not recommend getting in a car with that man.
Showing posts with label Simon Darby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Simon Darby. Show all posts
Friday, 10 February 2012
Monday, 26 September 2011
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Turkey Poem Competition
The winner of this weeks 'Turkey Poem competition' is... SIMON DARBY!
Well done Simon, your packet of turkey twizzlers are in the post!
Simons winning poem!
Turkeys, turkeys
Everywhere!
Hiding behind corners,
Giving Simon a scare!
Well done Simon, your packet of turkey twizzlers are in the post!
Simons winning poem!
Turkeys, turkeys
Everywhere!
Hiding behind corners,
Giving Simon a scare!
Monday, 12 September 2011
Ambush
BNP proudly reporting that they invited the BBC Panorama team to a Q&A session with the BNP leadership. However, in a clever move, Nick made a statement about BBC staff instead and then fled, whilst the team were then physically removed from the meeting by Darby and several other meatheads.
Just the behaviour you expect from Britain's Fastest Growing and Fourth Largest Political Party!
Sorry, did we say growing?
Just the behaviour you expect from Britain's Fastest Growing and Fourth Largest Political Party!
Sorry, did we say growing?
Simon Darby gets his gobble on!!
Now we're back in business here at the Turkey Farm, we thought we'd give you an update on the insane ramblings over on Simon 'Eyebrows' Darby's blog... seems he has some fixation on the Turkey Farm at the moment, for three solid days he has been ranting about the articles on here and about turkeys in general, seems all this discussion about his 'purpose' here has hit a raw nerve.
He ranted:
He later posted via Twitter:
And later at 3:35am:
Cant sleep - been ringing round Turkey Farms up and down the country and not one Turkey Farmer agrees that a turkey can read or write, never mind master the internet! So I think the case is closed!
Poor old Mr. Darby. We're going to send him some free Turkey Twizzlers in the post and an activist pack for The Turkey Party of the United Kingdom - A nationalist Turkey party, aimed at reducing the amount of imported Turkey into the UK! We're sure he'll be very interested!
He ranted:
As Britain's most prominent and famous British Nationalist Birder, I want to make a statement regarding this so called Turkey Farm and their blogging Turkeys! I'm sure you've all been over there and read their smears about my eyebrows being fake!
Firstly, as a seasoned birder and professional Ornithologist I am almost 98% certain that a turkey cannot read or write. I have never seen it, nor have I heard of it. They only have feet and wings, how can they even use a keyboard? Or a mouse!? Even if they can, I very much doubt they have access to the internet and are able to set up blogs, email and twitter accounts!
I very much doubt they have any grasp of, or interest in politics, even if it is only nationalism! They're birds, they wobble around all day in a field and make a gobble gobble sound, they do not sit down at laptop computers and write! And also! There is no way they would support people eating Turkey! It makes no sense! Why would they promote Turkey products over chicken products? It's quite clear to me, that even if Turkeys can read and write, they most certainly aren't writing that horrible and mean blog!
I'd like to bet, and I would put money on this, £5 I'm willing to bet anyone, no, let's make it interesting! For a £7 bet I will bet that it is not actually a turkey writing that blog!
He later posted via Twitter:
Having nightmares about Turkeys again, fucking Turkeys and their computers!!
And later at 3:35am:
Cant sleep - been ringing round Turkey Farms up and down the country and not one Turkey Farmer agrees that a turkey can read or write, never mind master the internet! So I think the case is closed!
Poor old Mr. Darby. We're going to send him some free Turkey Twizzlers in the post and an activist pack for The Turkey Party of the United Kingdom - A nationalist Turkey party, aimed at reducing the amount of imported Turkey into the UK! We're sure he'll be very interested!
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Simon Darby Blames Press Officer for Lack of Information
What we at the farm thought was grade-A bullshit from Mr. 'Eyebrows' Darby, turned out to be the result of his own uselessness and doesn't really inspire much confidence in the man responsible for dealing with the press side of things for the BNP.
Writing via his blog that he had only just discovered that Nick Griffin was still the chairman of the BNP several days after the leadership result, we thought 'what a big crock of turkey shit'. How could he not know? He's Nick's little lapdog, he fully supported Griffin throughout the contest and is their own fucking press officer! He's forever playing with his iPhone, taking photos of cheap meat and shit! Who is he trying to kid (well obviously the BNP membership, not difficult)! But surely, even Darby/Griffin can't be this stupid? Or so we thought!
Darby later revealed, that whilst he had been away train-spotting, eating, birding and being useless in general, he had tried several times to contact the BNP's press department so he could find out who had won "for his own interest", completely forgetting that he is in fact their press officer, is paid for this role and should be one of the first to know. He wrote "their press department are useless, there was no word on the internet, on their own channels, I couldn't even get in touch with anybody such as a press officer who might be able to tell me what was going on, I felt so in the dark".
No longer a member of the BNP for 'financial purposes', Darby has been described as 'useless' and 'boring' by almost everybody who has met him and despite not actually having a real job or any relevant experience, he has survived by pandering to Nick Griffin and showing up at the odd stall over the years. Currently their press officer (quite an easy job considering nobody wants to have a comment from the BNP until they fuck up), he has had a stint as Deputy Chairman (stepping down to avoid being taken to court) and also as National Treasurer (he abandoned the post leaving mountains of debt and no mechanisms in place).
Writing via his blog that he had only just discovered that Nick Griffin was still the chairman of the BNP several days after the leadership result, we thought 'what a big crock of turkey shit'. How could he not know? He's Nick's little lapdog, he fully supported Griffin throughout the contest and is their own fucking press officer! He's forever playing with his iPhone, taking photos of cheap meat and shit! Who is he trying to kid (well obviously the BNP membership, not difficult)! But surely, even Darby/Griffin can't be this stupid? Or so we thought!
Darby later revealed, that whilst he had been away train-spotting, eating, birding and being useless in general, he had tried several times to contact the BNP's press department so he could find out who had won "for his own interest", completely forgetting that he is in fact their press officer, is paid for this role and should be one of the first to know. He wrote "their press department are useless, there was no word on the internet, on their own channels, I couldn't even get in touch with anybody such as a press officer who might be able to tell me what was going on, I felt so in the dark".
No longer a member of the BNP for 'financial purposes', Darby has been described as 'useless' and 'boring' by almost everybody who has met him and despite not actually having a real job or any relevant experience, he has survived by pandering to Nick Griffin and showing up at the odd stall over the years. Currently their press officer (quite an easy job considering nobody wants to have a comment from the BNP until they fuck up), he has had a stint as Deputy Chairman (stepping down to avoid being taken to court) and also as National Treasurer (he abandoned the post leaving mountains of debt and no mechanisms in place).
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Why I fully support Nick Griffin MEP
Simon 'Eyebrows' Darby has publicly got involved with the leadership election, making a strange statement on his blog. However, he makes an interesting point in saying "the pressure of the job would probably finish him [Brons] off" - which got me thinking... Now I don't expect Brons to win, even if 90% voted for Brons, the Griffin would find a way round it, however, I have been worrying that should Bronsw in and turn the BNP around, he might actually make them something more akin to a functioning and performing political party.
I don't want this, as far as I'm concerned the BNP is doing just fine destroying itself from within. Furthermore, an effective BNP would make extra work for me, which I don't want. Nobody likes extra work.
The BNP with Griffin at the helm is doing all the work for us, Butler has listed a load of Griffin gaffes just this very morning, and the fact is, you can't get this kind of stupidity anywhere else. Griffin is so out of touch with reality and with the 'cause' that he is just crashing through things surrounded by a bunch of neandathals telling him he is doing fine. Who in their right mind would allow a Granny Porn Star to organise a family event?
The fact is: if Brons were to lead the BNP, our lives might just become more difficult. His election video was much more professional and tackled the key points of turning the BNP around, where as Griffin's involved him throwing a book around.
I am confident Griffin will win, he has a small (but vocal) core of crackpot supporters and a dim but determined team working hard to ensure that the election goes in his favour.
This is why I fully support Nick Griffin MEP in the BNP Leadership Election!
One other thought, this is a win-win situation. If Griffin remains chairman then the BNP are doomed, and if Brons becomes chairman, he'll probably die from the pressure. Pressure of what I'm not so sure, what pressure Simon? The pressure of squireling money away?
I don't want this, as far as I'm concerned the BNP is doing just fine destroying itself from within. Furthermore, an effective BNP would make extra work for me, which I don't want. Nobody likes extra work.
The BNP with Griffin at the helm is doing all the work for us, Butler has listed a load of Griffin gaffes just this very morning, and the fact is, you can't get this kind of stupidity anywhere else. Griffin is so out of touch with reality and with the 'cause' that he is just crashing through things surrounded by a bunch of neandathals telling him he is doing fine. Who in their right mind would allow a Granny Porn Star to organise a family event?
The fact is: if Brons were to lead the BNP, our lives might just become more difficult. His election video was much more professional and tackled the key points of turning the BNP around, where as Griffin's involved him throwing a book around.
I am confident Griffin will win, he has a small (but vocal) core of crackpot supporters and a dim but determined team working hard to ensure that the election goes in his favour.
This is why I fully support Nick Griffin MEP in the BNP Leadership Election!
One other thought, this is a win-win situation. If Griffin remains chairman then the BNP are doomed, and if Brons becomes chairman, he'll probably die from the pressure. Pressure of what I'm not so sure, what pressure Simon? The pressure of squireling money away?
Friday, 1 July 2011
The BNP's New Musical Venture...
Transcript from an exclusive interview featuring Nick 'The Griffin' Griffin MEP, Cllr. Clive 'Jeffers' Jefferson and Simon D-D-Darby talking about their new music venture on Radio RWB.
Presenter: So then fella's, here we are again, in Simon's bedroom recording yet another interview using some free software, Clive, why don't you start us off with why you're here today?
Clive: Where?
Nick: Well, you see, we decided to form a band, a new band...
Simon: Something rocking!
Presenter: Explain...
Nick: We've all had musical ventures in the past, quite successful ones too, I myself penned several songs on some very successful nationalist CD's we sold, and Clive here, he sings an excellent rendition of 'In the Navy' down at his local on a Friday night, and Simon has spent his Friday nights singing on Singstar with some female activist in the past...
Simon: Young, young female activist Nick...
Presenter: So you all got together and what? Just threw some ideas around? Because you do work together quite a lot, and you're all busy?
Simon: It was difficult getting us all together, but where there's a way there's a will, as they say...
Nick: More or less the case, we knew we wanted to form a band and make some money, we had to come up with a name first though, we had loads of ideas, we all settled on something ending in 'With Attitude', partly because it's original, it's catchy and it can be formed into an acronym making it easy to remember.
Simon: We just had to decide on the other half of the name, this was the tricky part.
Nick: Clive wanted 'Councillors With Attitude' and Simon wanted 'Press Officers with Attitude', I wanted 'British National Party With Attitude'.
Simon: None of them seemed to encompass all three of us, I'm not a member of the BNP any more, so the BNPWA just wouldn't work, nor am I a councillor, we needed something that would really say what we're about, Nick came up with it though...
Presenter: Nationalists With Attitude!
Nick: Yes! Or NWA. This is where it all got exciting,
Simon: N! W! A! It just sounds cool!
Nick: N! W! A!
Clive: N! A! W!
Simon: And with such a 'down with the kids' name we had to then choose names for ourselves, to match it's snazziness, to stitch coolness through the patchwork of our record, we wanted the NWA idea to go beyond music.
Nick: I went for Nick 'The Griffin' Griffin MEP, it really says what I'm about, a legendary creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. As the lion was traditionally considered the king of the beasts and the eagle was the king of the birds, the griffin was thought to be an especially powerful and majestic creature, and Griffins are known for guarding treasure and priceless possessions, so it just worked! You know, it just worked. I didn't even realise it myself, I had to look on Wikipedia to find out what a Griffin was.
Presenter: And what about you Clive?
Clive: Huh?
Simon: Clive's was quite simple, we just used his nick name, and mine came from doing a few demos first, I had trouble choosing a name, it's like choosing a fine £5 wine, but once we had mixed a few tunes, D-D-Darby really seemed to have something about it, something cool and out there, out of the box, you know.
Presenter: Yes, well, the three of you certainly sound cool now, so tell me... where did it go from there?
Nick: Well, you see, we needed money first, so we sent out some letters to the membership asking for something, i don't know, to do with Britain, and when the first £15 came in, after a few months, we went out and bought a microphone, Clive already had a Casio keyboard from years ago and I didn't really need anything but a pen and paper, you know, just to write out the lyrics...
Simon: These things take time, we had an election to win, but we figured, seeing as we did so well in 2009, we could just leave the electioneering to other people and crack on with our music..
Nick: We started writing first, lyrics first and then music is what we said. It worked, we had several songs written in a few hours, I don't know what Joey used to whinge about.
Presenter: Why was Joey Smith not involved on this project?
Nick: We wanted it to be a challenge, he has had such a successful career, selling in excess of ten albums now I believe...
Clive: His mum bought eight of them...
Nick: We wanted it to be difficult, so people couldn't turn around and say, well, you had Joey Smith, there's no wonder you did so well. The left wing press are so mean to us in everything we do, we wanted something they couldn't have a dig at...
Presenter: And what was it that inspired you?
Nick: Money...
Simon: I've always wanted people to like me...
Presenter: But what actually inspired you on this record, what went into the songs?
Nick: Well, you see, modern music is dominated by darkies, and homo's, and other funny types, mostly Americans too, we wanted something British, but we knew it had to sell, otherwise, what's the point? I don't just do something for no return...
Simon: Did that owl sanctuary ever pay you?
Nick: No, legal proceedings are taking place as we speak...
Simon: Good! Fucking owls!
Clive: Is there no food in this house?
Nick: Clive, Simon, please, your leader is talking here...
Simon: You said in this music business we were all equals?
Nick: The music had to be something different too, and our nationalist edge was it, most nationalist music is a bit shit, that last record Joey did, let's say, it's as well it isn't just about the music...
Presenter: So the inspiration came through a lack of British orientated music in Britain?
Nick: Yes, well, there are British acts out there, but they aren't truly British, how many of them can trace their ancestry back to before 1066? The things they sing about aren't British either, we wanted to make sure that British ears were listening to British artists singing about British things.
Simon: And obviously...
Nick: People will listen to a song over and over again and take all the words in, in a way that you would be very lucky to get one in 100 of them to listen to a speech. Music is a very effective way of getting our views across...
Simon: Obviously, our music transcended barriers, it went far beyond nationalist issues, but there was a nationalist core, a beating heart of defiance in every song!
Clive: What does transcend mean?
Simon: Never mind Clive.
Clive: Core? What does core mean?
Simon: Like an apple core...
Presenter: What would you say was the most challenging aspect of this project?
Nick: Finding time, we're all busy, Clive was busy driving the truth truck, Simon is always... what is it you do? and I like to go to Europe to pretend I'm a politician. It was difficult...
Simon: But we did it, we just had to say, right, let's all meet up and get going, it's easier for me I suppose, I don't even have a proper job, but Clive I know is very busy, and Nick is just a demon when it comes to working, he recently won Hardest Working MEP in the BNP you know...
Presenter: Well done Nick!
Nick: Thank you, these things just come naturally to me.
Presenter: So what now? Do you have any interest in the record? Any contracts? Any plans for another record?
Nick: Well of course we have plans for more, we had so much fun doing it, but we'll see how many million we sell first and play it from there before we commit to anything...
Simon: We're still waiting to hear from EMI and some other smaller record companies, but if they aren't interested, we'll go with Great White, we just wanted to give a smaller company a chance first.
Presenter: Who designed the record sleeve?
Nick: Simon did, we wanted something simple. But eye catching.
Simon: I wanted a picture of me on it, next to something British.
Nick; We agreed it had to either have all three of us on, or none of us, and because Clive is quite, well, he isn't very photogenic shall we say, we decided to just have a picture of me on it. I am the face of the BNP, and the British people, I didn't want it to be this way, if it had been down to me, all three of us would be on there, but our marketing team know best, and they said it was the way to go.
Presenter: So beyond music and attitude, coolness and style, what else went into the record?
Simon: Nick wanted to put 1066 songs on there, as a big up yours to the establishment, but we just couldn't do it.
Presenter: You could have named track ten, 66?
Nick: Shit. SHIT. Why didn't you think of that Darby, what do I pay you for!
Presenter: So which is your favourite song, between all three of you, is there one?
Nick: Well, we're all quite fond of 'That Special Lady', we won't mention who she is, but let's just say we're all quite well acquainted with her... if you know what I mean...
Simon: Oh yes, she is a special lady...
Clive: Is she still running RWB or can I do it now?
Presenter: And now we will...
Clive: I WROTE SLEEPING THE TRUTH TRUCK!
Presenter: Ahh yes, track two, explain this one to our listeners...
Nick: After the mellow opening song we wanted something gritty, Clive wrote and composed this one and it slotted in there nicely...
Simon: It's quite a heavy song, we got a lot of pots and pans and some wooden spoons, it makes a good sound, lots of bass.
Presenter: Lyrically, it's quite gruesome, why?
Nick: I haven't listened to it.
Presenter: The bit about using a carrier bag as a toilet.
Nick: What carrier bag?
Clive: Never mind...
Nick: The bag in the truth truck? Oh god... that's what was in that bag?It said Clive on the side, I thought it was food!?
Presenter: OK... One last thing, when is it released guys?
Simon: I'm printing the album covers right now, I ran out of ink, I tried shaking the cartridge but I dropped it and got some on the carpet, so I had to go out and buy some but it was really expensive so I had a look on the internet and found it a lot cheaper but I have to wait an extra five days, I thought it was worth it for a 50p saving.
Presenter: And now, exclusive to RadioRWB: NWA talk us though some of their favourite tracks on their new record:
Simon: Lost in the Meat Section of the Supermarket. This is about buying cheap meat in the supermarket, and it being expensive, it's what I consider cheap expensive meat. I really wanted to let people in on my pain of hovering around waiting for a cheap cut to come out, sometimes, I stick my finger into a pack and take it to the butcher to get it reduced, but sometimes they take it off me and say they can't sell it in that condition, not even reduced, it's very painful for me.
Clive: This was my song about living in the Truth truck, it's called Sleeping in the Truth Truck, and is about having to shit in a pot noodle and eat a carrier bag.. No, shit in a carrier bag and eat pot noodles made with cold water, for weeks on end.
Nick: We are the Indigenous British Champions. Ahh I wrote this one, it is about winning the European Elections back in 2009, it's a song aimed to boost morale amongst our ranks and remind them of the good old days and why they should send me more money, I sing about wanting to destroy the European Parliament from within, and then realising that it's actually quite a cushy number.
Nick: You Never Give me Enough of your Money. Another one about those greedy members, we send out letter after letter and just never get anything back, it costs us more to send them out most of the time.
Nick: Fixing a Hole. This one is about the burden of having to keep a massive farm house and estate in good working condition. Things always need renewing, replacing, fixing etc. It's just a nuisance. I wanted to get this across, so that people everywhere know how hard it is for me and why they send me more money or at least come round and tidy up or something!
Simon: That Special Lady. This is a personal one, written by all three of us, just listen to Clive doing his Beach Boys whaaa-whooo-whoooo-whaaaa in the background, it makes your heart melt. I hope she hears of it and thinks of me.
Nick: Together. Another song aimed at rallying the troops, I sing about how we can all do this together if we have more money, trust is a big thing in politics, and if you can trust us to spend your money on saving the British people then we can save the British people, those indigenous to these islands after the last ice age but before 1066.
Presenter: That's brilliant. Thanks for that. I'm sure our listeners will be rattling the doors of HMV in the morning. OK, one last thing before we go guys, are you aware there is already a music act out there called NWA...
Presenter: So then fella's, here we are again, in Simon's bedroom recording yet another interview using some free software, Clive, why don't you start us off with why you're here today?
Clive: Where?
Nick: Well, you see, we decided to form a band, a new band...
Simon: Something rocking!
Presenter: Explain...
Nick: We've all had musical ventures in the past, quite successful ones too, I myself penned several songs on some very successful nationalist CD's we sold, and Clive here, he sings an excellent rendition of 'In the Navy' down at his local on a Friday night, and Simon has spent his Friday nights singing on Singstar with some female activist in the past...
Simon: Young, young female activist Nick...
Presenter: So you all got together and what? Just threw some ideas around? Because you do work together quite a lot, and you're all busy?
Simon: It was difficult getting us all together, but where there's a way there's a will, as they say...
Nick: More or less the case, we knew we wanted to form a band and make some money, we had to come up with a name first though, we had loads of ideas, we all settled on something ending in 'With Attitude', partly because it's original, it's catchy and it can be formed into an acronym making it easy to remember.
Simon: We just had to decide on the other half of the name, this was the tricky part.
Nick: Clive wanted 'Councillors With Attitude' and Simon wanted 'Press Officers with Attitude', I wanted 'British National Party With Attitude'.
Simon: None of them seemed to encompass all three of us, I'm not a member of the BNP any more, so the BNPWA just wouldn't work, nor am I a councillor, we needed something that would really say what we're about, Nick came up with it though...
Presenter: Nationalists With Attitude!
Nick: Yes! Or NWA. This is where it all got exciting,
Simon: N! W! A! It just sounds cool!
Nick: N! W! A!
Clive: N! A! W!
Simon: And with such a 'down with the kids' name we had to then choose names for ourselves, to match it's snazziness, to stitch coolness through the patchwork of our record, we wanted the NWA idea to go beyond music.
Nick: I went for Nick 'The Griffin' Griffin MEP, it really says what I'm about, a legendary creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. As the lion was traditionally considered the king of the beasts and the eagle was the king of the birds, the griffin was thought to be an especially powerful and majestic creature, and Griffins are known for guarding treasure and priceless possessions, so it just worked! You know, it just worked. I didn't even realise it myself, I had to look on Wikipedia to find out what a Griffin was.
Presenter: And what about you Clive?
Clive: Huh?
Simon: Clive's was quite simple, we just used his nick name, and mine came from doing a few demos first, I had trouble choosing a name, it's like choosing a fine £5 wine, but once we had mixed a few tunes, D-D-Darby really seemed to have something about it, something cool and out there, out of the box, you know.
Presenter: Yes, well, the three of you certainly sound cool now, so tell me... where did it go from there?
Nick: Well, you see, we needed money first, so we sent out some letters to the membership asking for something, i don't know, to do with Britain, and when the first £15 came in, after a few months, we went out and bought a microphone, Clive already had a Casio keyboard from years ago and I didn't really need anything but a pen and paper, you know, just to write out the lyrics...
Simon: These things take time, we had an election to win, but we figured, seeing as we did so well in 2009, we could just leave the electioneering to other people and crack on with our music..
Nick: We started writing first, lyrics first and then music is what we said. It worked, we had several songs written in a few hours, I don't know what Joey used to whinge about.
Presenter: Why was Joey Smith not involved on this project?
Nick: We wanted it to be a challenge, he has had such a successful career, selling in excess of ten albums now I believe...
Clive: His mum bought eight of them...
Nick: We wanted it to be difficult, so people couldn't turn around and say, well, you had Joey Smith, there's no wonder you did so well. The left wing press are so mean to us in everything we do, we wanted something they couldn't have a dig at...
Presenter: And what was it that inspired you?
Nick: Money...
Simon: I've always wanted people to like me...
Presenter: But what actually inspired you on this record, what went into the songs?
Nick: Well, you see, modern music is dominated by darkies, and homo's, and other funny types, mostly Americans too, we wanted something British, but we knew it had to sell, otherwise, what's the point? I don't just do something for no return...
Simon: Did that owl sanctuary ever pay you?
Nick: No, legal proceedings are taking place as we speak...
Simon: Good! Fucking owls!
Clive: Is there no food in this house?
Nick: Clive, Simon, please, your leader is talking here...
Simon: You said in this music business we were all equals?
Nick: The music had to be something different too, and our nationalist edge was it, most nationalist music is a bit shit, that last record Joey did, let's say, it's as well it isn't just about the music...
Presenter: So the inspiration came through a lack of British orientated music in Britain?
Nick: Yes, well, there are British acts out there, but they aren't truly British, how many of them can trace their ancestry back to before 1066? The things they sing about aren't British either, we wanted to make sure that British ears were listening to British artists singing about British things.
Simon: And obviously...
Nick: People will listen to a song over and over again and take all the words in, in a way that you would be very lucky to get one in 100 of them to listen to a speech. Music is a very effective way of getting our views across...
Simon: Obviously, our music transcended barriers, it went far beyond nationalist issues, but there was a nationalist core, a beating heart of defiance in every song!
Clive: What does transcend mean?
Simon: Never mind Clive.
Clive: Core? What does core mean?
Simon: Like an apple core...
Presenter: What would you say was the most challenging aspect of this project?
Nick: Finding time, we're all busy, Clive was busy driving the truth truck, Simon is always... what is it you do? and I like to go to Europe to pretend I'm a politician. It was difficult...
Simon: But we did it, we just had to say, right, let's all meet up and get going, it's easier for me I suppose, I don't even have a proper job, but Clive I know is very busy, and Nick is just a demon when it comes to working, he recently won Hardest Working MEP in the BNP you know...
Presenter: Well done Nick!
Nick: Thank you, these things just come naturally to me.
Presenter: So what now? Do you have any interest in the record? Any contracts? Any plans for another record?
Nick: Well of course we have plans for more, we had so much fun doing it, but we'll see how many million we sell first and play it from there before we commit to anything...
Simon: We're still waiting to hear from EMI and some other smaller record companies, but if they aren't interested, we'll go with Great White, we just wanted to give a smaller company a chance first.
Presenter: Who designed the record sleeve?
Nick: Simon did, we wanted something simple. But eye catching.
Simon: I wanted a picture of me on it, next to something British.
Nick; We agreed it had to either have all three of us on, or none of us, and because Clive is quite, well, he isn't very photogenic shall we say, we decided to just have a picture of me on it. I am the face of the BNP, and the British people, I didn't want it to be this way, if it had been down to me, all three of us would be on there, but our marketing team know best, and they said it was the way to go.
Presenter: So beyond music and attitude, coolness and style, what else went into the record?
Simon: Nick wanted to put 1066 songs on there, as a big up yours to the establishment, but we just couldn't do it.
Presenter: You could have named track ten, 66?
Nick: Shit. SHIT. Why didn't you think of that Darby, what do I pay you for!
Presenter: So which is your favourite song, between all three of you, is there one?
Nick: Well, we're all quite fond of 'That Special Lady', we won't mention who she is, but let's just say we're all quite well acquainted with her... if you know what I mean...
Simon: Oh yes, she is a special lady...
Clive: Is she still running RWB or can I do it now?
Presenter: And now we will...
Clive: I WROTE SLEEPING THE TRUTH TRUCK!
Presenter: Ahh yes, track two, explain this one to our listeners...
Nick: After the mellow opening song we wanted something gritty, Clive wrote and composed this one and it slotted in there nicely...
Simon: It's quite a heavy song, we got a lot of pots and pans and some wooden spoons, it makes a good sound, lots of bass.
Presenter: Lyrically, it's quite gruesome, why?
Nick: I haven't listened to it.
Presenter: The bit about using a carrier bag as a toilet.
Nick: What carrier bag?
Clive: Never mind...
Nick: The bag in the truth truck? Oh god... that's what was in that bag?It said Clive on the side, I thought it was food!?
Presenter: OK... One last thing, when is it released guys?
Simon: I'm printing the album covers right now, I ran out of ink, I tried shaking the cartridge but I dropped it and got some on the carpet, so I had to go out and buy some but it was really expensive so I had a look on the internet and found it a lot cheaper but I have to wait an extra five days, I thought it was worth it for a 50p saving.
Presenter: And now, exclusive to RadioRWB: NWA talk us though some of their favourite tracks on their new record:
Simon: Lost in the Meat Section of the Supermarket. This is about buying cheap meat in the supermarket, and it being expensive, it's what I consider cheap expensive meat. I really wanted to let people in on my pain of hovering around waiting for a cheap cut to come out, sometimes, I stick my finger into a pack and take it to the butcher to get it reduced, but sometimes they take it off me and say they can't sell it in that condition, not even reduced, it's very painful for me.
Clive: This was my song about living in the Truth truck, it's called Sleeping in the Truth Truck, and is about having to shit in a pot noodle and eat a carrier bag.. No, shit in a carrier bag and eat pot noodles made with cold water, for weeks on end.
Nick: We are the Indigenous British Champions. Ahh I wrote this one, it is about winning the European Elections back in 2009, it's a song aimed to boost morale amongst our ranks and remind them of the good old days and why they should send me more money, I sing about wanting to destroy the European Parliament from within, and then realising that it's actually quite a cushy number.
Nick: You Never Give me Enough of your Money. Another one about those greedy members, we send out letter after letter and just never get anything back, it costs us more to send them out most of the time.
Nick: Fixing a Hole. This one is about the burden of having to keep a massive farm house and estate in good working condition. Things always need renewing, replacing, fixing etc. It's just a nuisance. I wanted to get this across, so that people everywhere know how hard it is for me and why they send me more money or at least come round and tidy up or something!
Simon: That Special Lady. This is a personal one, written by all three of us, just listen to Clive doing his Beach Boys whaaa-whooo-whoooo-whaaaa in the background, it makes your heart melt. I hope she hears of it and thinks of me.
Nick: Together. Another song aimed at rallying the troops, I sing about how we can all do this together if we have more money, trust is a big thing in politics, and if you can trust us to spend your money on saving the British people then we can save the British people, those indigenous to these islands after the last ice age but before 1066.
Presenter: That's brilliant. Thanks for that. I'm sure our listeners will be rattling the doors of HMV in the morning. OK, one last thing before we go guys, are you aware there is already a music act out there called NWA...
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Stats!
The EDL Acronym article has certainly boosted traffic to the Turkey Farm this last week! Loads coming in from Twitter and the British Democracy Forum! I only send the articles to Lancaster Unity, and they spread from there. Interestingly, the always end up on the BDF very sharpish, more on that in a minute. I guess people have no interest in the BNP any more? Oh well, I'll still gobble them now and again, working on a long one as I type, all about Nick, Clive and Eyebrows.
It seems that on the BDF it is considered 'treacherous' to read opposing blogs / opinion. Turkey Breath would like to point out that he spends more time reading far-right news / blogs / bullshit than he does anything else. How else can you really gain an insight into your topic / enemy? I thoroughly believe if you're confident in your conviction and opinion then it doesn't hurt to read what others are saying about you and your cause? It is in fact beneficial and illuminating, allowing you to not only get news fast but also balance truth to some degree. Clearly, some of the more 'boneheaded' types amongst us aren't so confident and thus choose to only read what they believe to be 'safe'. I can't blame them, it must be so easy being ignorant. I myself used to hate chickens, ahhhh gobble gobble they get all the glory, all year round people want chicken!
If it wasn't for this desire to learn and understand, I wouldn't have witnessed the breakdown of Paul 'Green Arrow' Morris. I mean, you can go read through his British Resistance website right now and see all the articles, but it wouldn't be the same; logging on every day to see if he has posted a new article. All he wanted was his hero, Nick Griffin MEP, mustn't forget the MEP bit, to make everything all right, and as he opened his eyes to his betrayal, it only got worse, the greatest being the granny pornstar issue! And then the BNP officially banned its members from his website! I always thought it would be Nick and Paul in the bunker together, with Darby, Jefferson etc. off cosying up to someone new, but no, now the Green Arrow is a shining light of wider British Nationalism, appealing for somebody to save the BNP. Or some shit like that.
The hillarious thing with Morris is, he still can't just accept that the BNP attracts morons, thugs, crooks etc. and that these are the reason the BNP is falling apart. He is still blaming the left for its implosion, although now instead of throwing accusations at anybody who doesn't support the BNP, it's now thrown at people who don't support him. And who is he really? A fat guy living in a caravan writing an angry blog reminiscing about the good old days, good old says even he doesn't understand? Paul, when you get kicked off the camp site, you can always come live on the Turkey Farm! Free twizzlers! Gobble Gobble!
Turkey Breath Out.
Gobble Gobble.
It seems that on the BDF it is considered 'treacherous' to read opposing blogs / opinion. Turkey Breath would like to point out that he spends more time reading far-right news / blogs / bullshit than he does anything else. How else can you really gain an insight into your topic / enemy? I thoroughly believe if you're confident in your conviction and opinion then it doesn't hurt to read what others are saying about you and your cause? It is in fact beneficial and illuminating, allowing you to not only get news fast but also balance truth to some degree. Clearly, some of the more 'boneheaded' types amongst us aren't so confident and thus choose to only read what they believe to be 'safe'. I can't blame them, it must be so easy being ignorant. I myself used to hate chickens, ahhhh gobble gobble they get all the glory, all year round people want chicken!
If it wasn't for this desire to learn and understand, I wouldn't have witnessed the breakdown of Paul 'Green Arrow' Morris. I mean, you can go read through his British Resistance website right now and see all the articles, but it wouldn't be the same; logging on every day to see if he has posted a new article. All he wanted was his hero, Nick Griffin MEP, mustn't forget the MEP bit, to make everything all right, and as he opened his eyes to his betrayal, it only got worse, the greatest being the granny pornstar issue! And then the BNP officially banned its members from his website! I always thought it would be Nick and Paul in the bunker together, with Darby, Jefferson etc. off cosying up to someone new, but no, now the Green Arrow is a shining light of wider British Nationalism, appealing for somebody to save the BNP. Or some shit like that.
The hillarious thing with Morris is, he still can't just accept that the BNP attracts morons, thugs, crooks etc. and that these are the reason the BNP is falling apart. He is still blaming the left for its implosion, although now instead of throwing accusations at anybody who doesn't support the BNP, it's now thrown at people who don't support him. And who is he really? A fat guy living in a caravan writing an angry blog reminiscing about the good old days, good old says even he doesn't understand? Paul, when you get kicked off the camp site, you can always come live on the Turkey Farm! Free twizzlers! Gobble Gobble!
Turkey Breath Out.
Gobble Gobble.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Clive Jefferson Unleashes New Fundraising System
Clive Jefferson, the BNP's national treasurer, today unveiled a range of new measures to improve the BNP's fund-raising ability. Through the BNP website he announced ten 'highly effective' and 'groundbreakingly brilliant' initiatives which will 'revolutionise' their donations system and take the BNP into a new era of financial capability, a system which will leave the BNP's enemies and political adversaries 'quaking in their boots'.
We recieved a leaked copy of the article before it went to press on the BNP website,
Clive, I've gone through your article and edited the spelling mistakes and typos, it took me three fucking hours so you had better appreciate this, also, Nick says if this doesn't work don't expect to be invited to his Big, Bad, Boys Only BBQ in July.
The edit follows:
Clive Jefferson has today announced a new set of initiatives which will drive the BNP forward through financial ability and take the party into a new era of electoral breakthroughs. The new scheme, which is the brainchild of Jefferson, has been in the planning for several months, and is now ready to be rolled out.
The new fund-raising system has ten varied and very unique parts, however, they all fall under the same umbrella, the idea is to make it manageable, as being such a large organisation we had to implement a realistic system, however, we're confident that these new initiatives will quadruple our donations overnight and make much more money for Nick.
The ten elements are listed below:
Strategy One: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the George and Dragon in Little Aversham
Strategy Two: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Anglers Rest in Woodhouse Mill
Strategy Three: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Bridge Inn in Heacham Vale
Strategy Four: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Three Stags Head in Yeovil
Strategy Five: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Big Tree Public House in Hartland
Strategy Six: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Royal Oak in Somerton
Strategy Seven: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Alma public house in Corsham
Strategy Eight: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Nag's Head in Peckham
Strategy Nine: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Red Lion in Tiverton Park
Strategy Ten: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Horse and Cart in Fawley
We estimate the scheme will take around five months to fully implement, and are asking for donations to help us set up the donations tins, and also asking for any spare donations tins people may have, or even just roses tins with a hole in the top, just so long as they aren't too dented.
In the inevitable success of this scheme we plan to expand with a roll out of a further set of initiatives which will increase our system capacity by another 20%!
Simon Darby upon hearing of the new initiative announced: "Our enemies are going to shit when they see this, ten new and unique strategies which will allow the BNP to smash the Labour party up and down the country! Gone are the days of me and Nick standing on street corners with a bunch of commoners in cheap clothes and no culinary taste!"
Comments on the article were largely in praise of the new system, one member saying "Why didn't we think of this before? It has been right under our noses! For years we've been giving pennies to orphans and dogs and of course immigrants!!!!!!! Now the money can go where it is needed!". Another said "A brilliant idea, Clive should be awarded hardest working official in the BNP, shame that one has already been given to Nick this month, maybe next month?".
We recieved a leaked copy of the article before it went to press on the BNP website,
Clive, I've gone through your article and edited the spelling mistakes and typos, it took me three fucking hours so you had better appreciate this, also, Nick says if this doesn't work don't expect to be invited to his Big, Bad, Boys Only BBQ in July.
The edit follows:
Clive Jefferson has today announced a new set of initiatives which will drive the BNP forward through financial ability and take the party into a new era of electoral breakthroughs. The new scheme, which is the brainchild of Jefferson, has been in the planning for several months, and is now ready to be rolled out.
The new fund-raising system has ten varied and very unique parts, however, they all fall under the same umbrella, the idea is to make it manageable, as being such a large organisation we had to implement a realistic system, however, we're confident that these new initiatives will quadruple our donations overnight and make much more money for Nick.
The ten elements are listed below:
Strategy One: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the George and Dragon in Little Aversham
Strategy Two: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Anglers Rest in Woodhouse Mill
Strategy Three: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Bridge Inn in Heacham Vale
Strategy Four: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Three Stags Head in Yeovil
Strategy Five: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Big Tree Public House in Hartland
Strategy Six: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Royal Oak in Somerton
Strategy Seven: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Alma public house in Corsham
Strategy Eight: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Nag's Head in Peckham
Strategy Nine: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Red Lion in Tiverton Park
Strategy Ten: A state of the art donations tin on the bar in the Horse and Cart in Fawley
We estimate the scheme will take around five months to fully implement, and are asking for donations to help us set up the donations tins, and also asking for any spare donations tins people may have, or even just roses tins with a hole in the top, just so long as they aren't too dented.
In the inevitable success of this scheme we plan to expand with a roll out of a further set of initiatives which will increase our system capacity by another 20%!
Simon Darby upon hearing of the new initiative announced: "Our enemies are going to shit when they see this, ten new and unique strategies which will allow the BNP to smash the Labour party up and down the country! Gone are the days of me and Nick standing on street corners with a bunch of commoners in cheap clothes and no culinary taste!"
Comments on the article were largely in praise of the new system, one member saying "Why didn't we think of this before? It has been right under our noses! For years we've been giving pennies to orphans and dogs and of course immigrants!!!!!!! Now the money can go where it is needed!". Another said "A brilliant idea, Clive should be awarded hardest working official in the BNP, shame that one has already been given to Nick this month, maybe next month?".
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Jackie Griffin offers Insight into a Strange Marriage
The Turkey Breath Files, featuring Jackie Griffin!
Jackie Griffin, the wife of British National Party chairman.. Let loose on Turkey Breath!
More to come soon!
Jackie Griffin, the wife of British National Party chairman.. Let loose on Turkey Breath!
Well, I'm so proud of him, I mean, I'm not even sure what he does over there, even he doesn't seem sure, but I'm very proud, I watch his videos sometimes, so charismatic, this is the reason I married this man, one day soon, he'll be running the EU!
The other day he got home, he had been away a good few days, he came in and made some joke about the gravy train, and then ran into the toilet. He called me over, I love talking to him through a door, he was saying that there are some very important delegates coming over soon and that we must put on a banquet for them. I asked him who was coming and he said it wasn't important, but that they were important and that we would have to impress them.
I went out to the shops, it took me a good few hours and two journeys to buy everything Nick wanted. I was so nervous as well, we're always having important people call round, Simon Darby came in the other day to charge his iPhone, and Clive Jefferson came in for a cheese sandwich, but this was the big one. Important delegates from the European Parliament, I had to impress them! Again I asked who was coming, he told me Jacques Pierre de Gaulle and Heinrich Schmidt amongst others. I had no idea who they were, for all I know, he could have been making them up, but this is why I'm the wife of the leader of Britains fourth largest political party and not the leader of Britains fourth largest political party, or its most popular and hard working MEP!
Anyway, hours later, the banquet was ready, I went into Nicks office, he was sat there sleeping, he is so cute when he snores, he works so hard you know! I gently woke him up, he jumped up and shouted for the Green Arrow to put down weapons. Nightmares again, it's all the pressure the state put him under. He couldn't even remember what banquet I was talking about. I told him, the one with the very important delegates, all twenty of them coming over hungry to talk about important political things, this seemed to jog his memory, he ordered me to leave and said that he would be through shortly to greet them. I heard him pick up the phone as I left, but my mind was distracted by the house phone suddenly going off. I answered it 'The Griffeeeen residence, lady of the house speaking..' as we do here, and was told by a French man, I'm assuming Jacques Pierre de Gaulle, that the important delegates wouldn't be able to make it any more. Oh how devasted I was, not because I had been up for six hours preparing the food, the table, the house and the pets, but for Nick. He was in his office waiting for them to arrive and was so very excited!
He came out and looked at me, he had this weird look in his eyes, he said, who is it? I told him it was Jacques Pierre de Gaulle and that the important delegates wouldn't be able to come over. He said to me, what, the twenty important delegates won't be able to come round and talk about important political stuff any more? I told him no. I went to hug him, but he walked into the dining room and sat down. He said, 'well no point letting good food go to waste', and started eating. I asked him if he wanted me to ring Simon up so he could come round and talk about important political stuff, but he said he'd rather just eat on his own. I went back into the kitchen and started to tidy up, I had a lot to do, it's amazing how much mess you can make preparing a meal for twenty important European delegates.
These important European delegates you know, they do this at least three times a week, I'm always preparing massive banquets for them, and they're always letting him down. It's just as well he is a kind and patient man, if I was him I wouldn't even invite them round any more but he doesn't learn, still, at least the food doesn't go to waste, Nick can eat most of it, and what he doesn't he puts in a doggie bag for Jefferson along with the scrapings.
More to come soon!
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Simon Darby has something interesting to say on his blog..
Oh no, wait, he doesn't.
All he does is whine whine whine. And then occasionally, post a photo featuring a bottle of wine..
Useless doesn't cut it.
All he does is whine whine whine. And then occasionally, post a photo featuring a bottle of wine..
Useless doesn't cut it.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Nick Griffin Earns Two Awards in One Day!
Nick Griffin wins two awards in one day!
Nick Griffin, the portly chairman of the electorally sterile British National Party has today been given two unique awards after a recent trip to Belgium aboard the Eurostar. The first for 'Having the Biggest Shit ever' on a Eurostar train, and the second for 'Being the Biggest Shit' ever to travel on a Eurostar train.
Witnesses on board the train claim that upon entering the carriage, Simon Darby, the BNP's useless press officer, followed Mr. Griffin straight to the small on board toilets where he sat outside patiently wagging his eye brows, whilst Mr. Griffin could be heard farting, gurgling and swearing inside the latrine. One member of the Griffin cortège, dressed as St. George with a silver colander on his head, proudly proclaimed that Griffin was 'shitting for Britain!'.
“We were on the train as soon as it arrived” said one passenger, “but Griffin was already in the toilet, we figured we would wait, I mean, how long could he be!? It was a good two hours, we were in France before we heard the door click, the queue by this point was getting ridiculous and the smell which wafted down the carriage knocked an elderly passenger out”.
A Eurostar spokesperson said that the drainage on the train was “nackered beyond all belief” adding that parts of it aren't even recognisable any more. “It is actually quite impressive (the damage) especially when you consider that these facilities are designed to take a whole days worth of waste, and he filled it in one go!”. The damage is likely to cost thousands to repair.
The second honour, for Being the Biggest Shit ever to travel on a Eurostar train, was awarded to him for his conduct aboard the train after he vacated the toilet and made his way down to the first class carriage at the front of the train.
He marched down the train with Mr. Darby up front waving a big gold stick announcing at the top of his monotone voice “make way for the glorious Nicholas John Griffin, our valiant leader, saviour of the indigenous British people who can trace their ancestry back to before 1066, enemy to all Islamomarxist claw hammer wielding, Labour party funded, foreigner loving, immigrant sheltering unwashed students, Lord of all the beasts of the earth and fishes of the sea and Conqueror of the European Union and MEP for the North West and protector of some random owl sanctuary there!”. Upon being asked to keep his voice down, Darby announced it a crime against the British people and exclaimed it was tantamount to high treason to deny Nick a seat in first class.
“They were trying to get into first class but didn't appear to have a ticket for first class, the steward told them to go back to the seats listed on the ticket but the bushy eyebrowed one was demanding they sit in the first class section” said a passenger who had actually paid to sit in first class. “It was a right commotion, we could hear them walking down shouting things about fishes and immigrants, and the balding one was waving some big gold stick with a snakes head on it, maybe a reptile, I dont know, I tried not to look at the them to be honest, I wanted a peaceful journey”.
Before leaving first class, Griffin was trying to take a packet of Steak and Onion crisps from the food trolley without paying, upon being asked to pay Darby ranted “When Nick is prime minister, you will punished in the manner of the old days of our forbears: through Traitor’s Gate and into the Tower! Expecting our glorious leader to pay for food most likely harvested on his own land! It's a disgrace”.
Griffin and his rabble apparently wandered back down to the other end of the train, where Griffin was heard making the same joke about being 'on the gravy train' over and over. The BNP declined to comment when we phoned them, however, minutes later we received a text message asking for a donation.
Nick Griffin, the portly chairman of the electorally sterile British National Party has today been given two unique awards after a recent trip to Belgium aboard the Eurostar. The first for 'Having the Biggest Shit ever' on a Eurostar train, and the second for 'Being the Biggest Shit' ever to travel on a Eurostar train.
Witnesses on board the train claim that upon entering the carriage, Simon Darby, the BNP's useless press officer, followed Mr. Griffin straight to the small on board toilets where he sat outside patiently wagging his eye brows, whilst Mr. Griffin could be heard farting, gurgling and swearing inside the latrine. One member of the Griffin cortège, dressed as St. George with a silver colander on his head, proudly proclaimed that Griffin was 'shitting for Britain!'.
“We were on the train as soon as it arrived” said one passenger, “but Griffin was already in the toilet, we figured we would wait, I mean, how long could he be!? It was a good two hours, we were in France before we heard the door click, the queue by this point was getting ridiculous and the smell which wafted down the carriage knocked an elderly passenger out”.
A Eurostar spokesperson said that the drainage on the train was “nackered beyond all belief” adding that parts of it aren't even recognisable any more. “It is actually quite impressive (the damage) especially when you consider that these facilities are designed to take a whole days worth of waste, and he filled it in one go!”. The damage is likely to cost thousands to repair.
The second honour, for Being the Biggest Shit ever to travel on a Eurostar train, was awarded to him for his conduct aboard the train after he vacated the toilet and made his way down to the first class carriage at the front of the train.
He marched down the train with Mr. Darby up front waving a big gold stick announcing at the top of his monotone voice “make way for the glorious Nicholas John Griffin, our valiant leader, saviour of the indigenous British people who can trace their ancestry back to before 1066, enemy to all Islamomarxist claw hammer wielding, Labour party funded, foreigner loving, immigrant sheltering unwashed students, Lord of all the beasts of the earth and fishes of the sea and Conqueror of the European Union and MEP for the North West and protector of some random owl sanctuary there!”. Upon being asked to keep his voice down, Darby announced it a crime against the British people and exclaimed it was tantamount to high treason to deny Nick a seat in first class.
“They were trying to get into first class but didn't appear to have a ticket for first class, the steward told them to go back to the seats listed on the ticket but the bushy eyebrowed one was demanding they sit in the first class section” said a passenger who had actually paid to sit in first class. “It was a right commotion, we could hear them walking down shouting things about fishes and immigrants, and the balding one was waving some big gold stick with a snakes head on it, maybe a reptile, I dont know, I tried not to look at the them to be honest, I wanted a peaceful journey”.
Before leaving first class, Griffin was trying to take a packet of Steak and Onion crisps from the food trolley without paying, upon being asked to pay Darby ranted “When Nick is prime minister, you will punished in the manner of the old days of our forbears: through Traitor’s Gate and into the Tower! Expecting our glorious leader to pay for food most likely harvested on his own land! It's a disgrace”.
Griffin and his rabble apparently wandered back down to the other end of the train, where Griffin was heard making the same joke about being 'on the gravy train' over and over. The BNP declined to comment when we phoned them, however, minutes later we received a text message asking for a donation.
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