Feeding Time for Clive!

We're sat at the kitchen table in the Griffin homestead, to my left is Jenny eating, more gorging, piles of meat and potato. Nick is to my right. Jackie brings him a cup of tea, he sits staring at it for a few minutes, looking completely bored, before pulling the tea bag out and throwing it on the floor, he whistles and there's a thud from further in the house. A grunting sound follows, the heavy breathing of something lumbering down the hall, knocking things over and falling over itself in its rush to come in.

It's Clive Jefferson. He comes crashing through the door, and on making eye contact with Nick sits completely still, his bum planted on the floor, one arm holding his weight and the other stretched ahead, a little like a cross between a dog and a gorilla. Nick looks at the tea bag on the floor and nods. Clive looks at it cautiously and starts to crawl over slowly, clearly being careful on the chance he's misread the situation. As he nears it he lowers his head, Nick stops him by saying "ahhhk, Clive, sit!". He doesn't take his eye off the tea bag, he quivers with a combination of excitement and fear. "OK then" goes Nick and Clive dives on the tea bag, like a starved animal. It's gone in seconds, he licks the floor around the seat Nick is sat at and then sits upright again, looking alert now having woken up properly.

"See, he's learning" says Jackie.
"Not quick enough" moans Nick, "I sometimes wonder why we bother, I know he sleeps on the sofa when we aren't in."
"He's lovely though Nick, watch this" says Jackie as she leans over and gives him a belly rub. Clive rolls side to side on his back, grunting and laughing with his legs in the air. Nick doesn't seem to listen, he just stares out the window.
"Oh god! Oh fucking hell! He's farted!" shouts Nick, "this is why you shouldn't excite him!"
"He'll need to go to the toilet, don't you Clive!?" responds Jackie. Clive's ears lift when he hears his name, "Clive? Toilet?" asks Jackie in a high pitched tone. Clive limps over to the door and looks up at the handle, he whimpers.
"Good Clive!" says Jackie in the same tone giving him a treat, "outside Clive, outside!" She opens the door and lets him out. He tears off to the bottom of the garden. "He can eat when he comes back in, then we can have our night together Nick"
"He eats after us, remember, that's what the book says, otherwise it'll confuse him" says Nick, "what are you giving him for treats anyway?"
"Cheese"
"Cheese!?" shouts Nick, looking frustrated, "cheese is expensive"
"But he likes cheese" says Jackie

Nick looks mad, we hear a scratching at the door. Jackie lets Clive back in, patting him on the head saying "basket, Clive, basket!". Clive crawls over to a banana box in the corner and curls up in it, he seems to fall asleep instantly.

"No more cheese for him, ok?" says Nick picking up a thin, cheap plastic wallet with the label 'IMPORTANT POLITICAL FILE' and leaving the room. Jackie looks at me, she looks embarrassed, we sit in silence for a moment.
"He's dreaming look" she says, nodding at Clive, who is kicking his legs and grunting, "I do sometimes wonder what he is dreaming about?".

Nick reveals another 'state sponsored pressure valve'

Nick Griffin's homestead might be in for a cold winter after an incident involving him ripping a 'state sponsored' pressure valve out of his home's heating system.

BNP news reported:

"Nick Griffin MEP discovered a state plot to plant a state sponsored pressure valve in the heart of his political empire. Our gracious leader acted swiftly, destroying the valve to ensure it couldn't leech any votes off the massive BNP political machine. 

The plot had all the hallmarks of a LibLabCon conspiracy to confuse voters by offering a phony alternative, one which doesn't have the true intentions of preserving the Indigenous British people at the heart. They will try anything to stop us making our massive gains! 

Nick is advising all loyal patriots to open up their boilers and pull out any other state sponsored pressure valves so they can be destroyed. Don't listen to the advice of a qualified Gas-Safe engineer as they're all state agents. Donate now to stop this happening in the future." 

Turkey Breath investigated the story: It all started with a routine visit from a gas engineer who informed Jackie their heating system needed a new part if it was to run soundly through the winter. Jackie said "Nick was away on the gravy train, and I didn't want to have a cold winter, I don't know anything about boilers or valves so I told the engineer to do what it takes, I got the company credit card out and let him get on with it, how was I supposed to know he was a state sponsored agent?".

Upon returning home and hearing of the news, Nick was said to be livid, Jackie said "I told him we had a new pressure valve installed and he got all paranoid, asking who installed it and if Clive had given the go ahead for the work. I told him no, but that it was a reputable engineer and that if we hadn't had it done it could have exploded, he didn't want to know, he was sweating and swearing and blaming me for the BNP's electoral decline. Nick pulled the boiler cover off and wrestled the valve out, it was like watching a hungry bear rip open a car door, I haven't seen him so angry and so strong in years! He went outside, got a gun and started shooting at it".

We spoke to the engineer who told us "a boiler can be very dangerous without a pressure valve, it's only a matter of time before it will explode. Fortunately for Nick, he buggered the boiler anyway, so it won't work at all. Seems like a waste of money to me, but if he won't take my word for it what can I do? The payment bounced anyway, I phoned the BNP and they just laughed at me, telling me to join the queue, all seems very unfair".

Jackie had to phone for an emergency engineer to come back out as Nick hadn't shut the gas off, and the house was slowly filling with gasses leaking from the ruined boiler, she added that in order to avoid another state agent getting into their home they're planning on installing several wood burning stoves throughout the house, "we have years worth of BNP court documents to get burning, and the accounts, we should probably get rid of them too".

Jackie Griffin offers Insight into a Strange Marriage

The Turkey Breath Files, featuring Jackie Griffin! 

Jackie Griffin, the wife of British National Party chairman.. Let loose on Turkey Breath!

Well, I'm so proud of him, I mean, I'm not even sure what he does over there, even he doesn't seem sure, but I'm very proud, I watch his videos sometimes, so charismatic, this is the reason I married this man, one day soon, he'll be running the EU!

The other day he got home, he had been away a good few days, he came in and made some joke about the gravy train, and then ran into the toilet. He called me over, I love talking to him through a door, he was saying that there are some very important delegates coming over soon and that we must put on a banquet for them. I asked him who was coming and he said it wasn't important, but that they were important and that we would have to impress them.

I went out to the shops, it took me a good few hours and two journeys to buy everything Nick wanted. I was so nervous as well, we're always having important people call round, Simon Darby came in the other day to charge his iPhone, and Clive Jefferson came in for a cheese sandwich, but this was the big one. Important delegates from the European Parliament, I had to impress them! Again I asked who was coming, he told me Jacques Pierre de Gaulle and Heinrich Schmidt amongst others. I had no idea who they were, for all I know, he could have been making them up, but this is why I'm the wife of the leader of Britains fourth largest political party and not the leader of Britains fourth largest political party, or its most popular and hard working MEP!

Anyway, hours later, the banquet was ready, I went into Nicks office, he was sat there sleeping, he is so cute when he snores, he works so hard you know! I gently woke him up, he jumped up and shouted for the Green Arrow to put down weapons. Nightmares again, it's all the pressure the state put him under. He couldn't even remember what banquet I was talking about. I told him, the one with the very important delegates, all twenty of them coming over hungry to talk about important political things, this seemed to jog his memory, he ordered me to leave and said that he would be through shortly to greet them. I heard him pick up the phone as I left, but my mind was distracted by the house phone suddenly going off. I answered it 'The Griffeeeen residence, lady of the house speaking..' as we do here, and was told by a French man, I'm assuming Jacques Pierre de Gaulle, that the important delegates wouldn't be able to make it any more. Oh how devasted I was, not because I had been up for six hours preparing the food, the table, the house and the pets, but for Nick. He was in his office waiting for them to arrive and was so very excited!

He came out and looked at me, he had this weird look in his eyes, he said, who is it? I told him it was Jacques Pierre de Gaulle and that the important delegates wouldn't be able to come over. He said to me, what, the twenty important delegates won't be able to come round and talk about important political stuff any more? I told him no. I went to hug him, but he walked into the dining room and sat down. He said, 'well no point letting good food go to waste', and started eating. I asked him if he wanted me to ring Simon up so he could come round and talk about important political stuff, but he said he'd rather just eat on his own. I went back into the kitchen and started to tidy up, I had a lot to do, it's amazing how much mess you can make preparing a meal for twenty important European delegates.

These important European delegates you know, they do this at least three times a week, I'm always preparing massive banquets for them, and they're always letting him down. It's just as well he is a kind and patient man, if I was him I wouldn't even invite them round any more but he doesn't learn, still, at least the food doesn't go to waste, Nick can eat most of it, and what he doesn't he puts in a doggie bag for Jefferson along with the scrapings.

More to come soon!